I spoke to Jan the other day and he laid a particularly important ground rule to quash my indecision. He said to take one day to consider and really contemplate and then stick to your decision for the rest. But I guess one very fundamental aspect that nullifies the ability to quash such indecision is that my decisions are shrouded by confusion. And personal direction and feelings change in a whim.

I've been looking pretty much at my trip photos to reconcile my thoughts. These are forms of escapism that I take. To leave it all and run off to some distant country like the South of France, bask in the sun and forget all that's lost.

Another food for thought, evenings, why do they stink. Imagine staying at home at 7pm when the air is cool, the sun is setting, it is going to be dark soon and you have nothing to do except sit and think. I seriously dislike evenings.

I am the Fool

I feel so fricken foolish. How can I be so stupid, how can I have the audacity to partake in the sweet nectar of a death stick right in my backyard. I have been doing this for a long time, but why was I caught? Had I been more wary of my surroundings, had I been smarter and only did it outside of the confines of my home, then I would be living much more healthier and not in this fray. My mind is a mess right now. If anarchy could take home, it would be my mind. I cannot think straight and I have to rely on a blog to pen my thoughts. I am going crazy. The irony of the matter, is that since getting caught, I need one right now to calm my nerves. This is getting messier by the second. How can I be so stupid and not to mention foolish. My progress in my journey of amor has taken a side detour and that has thwart my route. My grandmaster planned scheme is not manifesting with such speed bumps. Sometimes, I question my very goal: do I really know what I want, why am I on this trip. This wordy mess is endless. Sigh Period.